I know I need to spend time doing what I want to do, but that phrasing is so...vague. If I spend time doing something, then I wanna get something out of it - thats just rational behavior. But when I hover over myself I get distracted. - How long has it been? - I should do this everyday if I want it to go anywhere. - You're not good enough - maybe its too late? - Where is this all going??
And then I stop. Or call it "taking a break", and when evening comes I just write off the whole day as a loss.
Its hard to let go of that urgency to progress, but that phrasing is a mistake too isn't it because we progress all the time when not urgently studying. When we want something badly, we hunger for metrics to track growth, to measure against the average student, to estimate the timing until mastery, but this is how I sabotage myself. And I know it.
I have a picture in my mind of proficiency, but this picture has changed so many times over the years. When you pass maybe the half way mark between the origin and the picture, you inadvertently move the target much much further away - so you feel, particularly on bad days, that you haven't moved and are still staring at an impossible distance. But letting go of this urgency is an important milestone. I know I'll never make it to the picture because I'll always move it before I get anywhere near, so really measuring progress is the irrational behavior.
I know I need to spend time doing what I want to do, but that phrasing is so vague. Let go of where it will take you or where you're going and walk blindfolded for as long as you can. Eventually, you'll arrive at a different place.