Stand Up 1

I think its kinda funny when people complain about our addiction to the internet.  Or addiction to social media and cell phones.  They say, "oh people today just send text messages or are always on the computer worrying about how many 'friends' they have on Facebook." 

But to me this is a great thing because if everyone is inside on the computer then that means theres way more stuff outside for me to enjoy without all the super annoying other people to get in my way.  For example you walk into a Starbucks, and its packed.  Long line, people talking, some people with headphones - books everywhere like they've been there for days, kids running around. You're conflicted about whether or not you even want the coffee anymore because you don't have anywhere to go - you just might have wanted to sit for a while, look out the window, listen to some Putomayo afro-carribean jazz fusion.  There might even be a seat available - with a table even, but on both sides are people who are just.. No.

Now imagine walking into the Starbucks and nobody is there.  I mean nobody - its completely empty.  You walk in like Christmas morning all bleery eyed from having to get up so early, and the next thing you can't even believe your eyes.  Suddenly the ubiquitous coffee shop music sounds profoundly good without all that ambient bullshit happening all around you.  Even the big cushy seats that who knows how many people have farted into are free!  Its like you've just walked into your coffee shop!  Ok maybe completely empty would be a little weird like an earthquake hit that you slept thru or a zombie virus is spreading like crazy and you forgot that it was today.  Maybe one other person is there.  So you get your coffee and pause considering where to sit.  You look over at the other guy with a surprised happy look on your face gesturing "I've never had a decision like this in my life!"  He looks back like "I know right?"  And of course you sit far away.  Because Ok we had our little moment - now you're this close to being thrown out of my coffee shop ok buddy?

Still don't believe me?  Now turn that single other person into a girl.  Have you ever had a golden opportunity like that?  To meet a hopefully nice person with zero pressure whatsoever?  Where its actually more awkward to keep silent than to give a friendly hello?  Imagine being in an elevator with someone for half an hour and not speaking the entire way.  How rude right?  So you make the same face toward her like "where to sit??"  She doesn't notice because shes buried deep in a book or something.  You walk over to say something like "What are the odds right?" but when she looks up she has a stare thats dead behind the eyes.  A line of drool falling from the corner of her mouth, and her hair is totally crazy like "Ok is it too late to switch you back to a friendly dude?"  She rises from behind the table, limping, and pointing at your with twisted and demented looking fingers, and you realize, "Oh fuck today was the Zombie day wasn't it?"